Greetings family…. last night at my home group, we have a wonderful discussion on passages from “We Agnostics.”

Members shared how they got to their conception of a Higher Power.  Other members shared of their struggle.  It really stayed with me and today I sat down and wrote out how I got to mine.  After 36 years, it has changed, grown, dwindled, and kinda been all over the place.  But as many of you are aware, I’m a big believer in that old saying, “A picture is worth a 1000 words…,” so I sat down and drew it and put it together for me to see (and share).

Here it goes….

[BEFORE A.A.] Grew Up In Church

I grew up in church… liked it, but felt unworthy… filled with judgement… had an adversarial relationship with God… felt I would never be good enough even though I have always been a “seeker.” So, I left the church and left God.

[1986] Walked Into A.A.

Walked into A.A. for the first time and saw “God” on the shades on the wall and was “ok” with it but had questions. I was kinda clueless about God even though I’d been raised in the church, but I was willing to listen and see what you were talking about. I wasn’t sure I could let go of everything I thought I knew about God, but was open to giving it a try.

[1987] Got a Sponsor

After some procrastination, I finally got rigorously honest, reestablished, and  agreed to work with a sponsor and take the Steps. I got to Step 2 and thought, “Ok, I know I bring some “God baggage” from church with me to this, but I can try and develop my own conception of a Power Greater than myself.” I felt a little odd letting go of everything I had learned about God, but for me, it became clear I had to “unlearn” God so I could “relearn” God for this to work. Surrendering my preconceived notions had to happen so I could embrace a new idea of a Higher Power (regardless of what I called it).

[2005] “Thanks God, I Got This”

All was going well until I was 18 years sober and had took my will back and started using God only when I needed God. For 4-5 years, I just coasted along living my life the way I wanted to.  I went to very few meetings, was doing no service, and was hardly calling my sponsor. I fell back into one of my biggest defects of character (lust) and went on a sex spree during this time where the only thing I did right was not pick up.  I was in control (or at least I thought I was) and I wasn’t completely miserable – but – I was nothing close to serene and happy. God was only used in a pinch and my prayers were given but I always felt guilty when giving them (once again, feeling unworthy – at 18 years sober).

[2010] A Personality Change

I had a spiritual awakening at the A.A. International Convention in San Antonio and I “heard” the voice of God basically say, “Enough is enough.” I heard it and took the action I needed to get back on track and became willing to surrender my will to God’s will (even though I wasn’t completely sure what it would look like).  This is where Step 3 and trust came into play. All I knew was I was sick & tired of being sick and tired and there was this strong sense of “God didn’t bring me this far to drop me.”

[2016] Followed Direction

At this point, I have had the awakening I needed to have, and am in the very middle of A.A. giving back (mainly doing service below the group level) and I become completely willing to listen to God’s direction without question. Not once in the 30 years up to this point have every single one of my needs not been met – why would God stop meeting them now?  in June of 2016, God said, “I have work for you to do in Texas,” so I left NYC and moved home to Texas which, while it was hard, was the best decision I have ever made (other than walking in the doors in 1986).

[2023] Wanting More

God has grown into something I want to have a personal relationship with, something I trust. My faith (sometimes blind) has given me the willingness to “seek” and oddly enough, has taken me back to church.  I know this isn’t everyone experience, but I am finding I can’t learn enough about a Higher Power in ALL its shapes and forms – this time with an open mind and minus judgement. Oh, and while it is often referred to as “He/Him,” I’m convinced God does not have a gender and is one thing and one thing only… love.

In love and service,